Why hire a life and relationship coach who is trained in sex therapy?
The majority of therapists and relationship coaches are not trained to help people with sexual difficulties. This has a number of negative impacts on clients.
1) Without training in sex therapy, coaches, counselors, and therapists can only help clients with a fraction of their issues. In her book Body to Body Intimacy: Transformation through Love, Sex, and Neurobiology Stella Resnick explains that “though the couple has obvious emotional issues with one another, it may very well be that the quality of their sexual connection is the underlying issue. In one study, researchers found that couples in happy marriages attribute only 15% to 20% of their happiness to their satisfying sex life while unhappy partners attribute 50% to 70% of their distress to sexual problems.”
If unhappy couples attribute 50-70% of their relationship distress to sexual difficulties, most relationship coaches and therapists can only address 30%-50% of clients perceived needs!
Sex therapy expert Peggy Kleinplatz says concerns about sex “can be a precious doorway” into other important aspects of a person’s life. For the sake of individual clients and those in relationships, coaches and counselors must be prepared (and willing) to walk through that “precious doorway.”
2) Without training in sex therapy those who do relationship work can only serve a fraction of their clients. Oftentimes one person in the relationship is more interested in talking about relationship issues and emotional challenges. We call this person the emotional pursuer. The person who is less interested in talking about emotions and relationship concerns is the emotional withdrawer.
It is important to note that the people whose tendency is to withdraw during discussions about emotions are often the same people who tend to be the pursuers when it comes to sexual connection. If therapists are uncomfortable talking about sexuality, they lose the opportunity to engage clients who may not want to talk about emotions but are eager to vent frustration, hurt, anger, and feelings of rejection around sexuality. Therapists who feel uneasy talking about sexual frustrations may only be able to treat one person in the relationship unit!
3) Without training in sex therapy those who do relationship counseling may struggle to serve men. In heterosexual relationships, it is often (though NOT always) the man who is hesitant to talk about feelings. This is not their fault! American society teaches men to ignore and suppress feelings—other than anger, frustration, or excitement over sporting events. Because of this many men do not develop the skills to recognize, name, and talk about their feelings. This can leave their partners feeling frustrated. Meanwhile women have been learning to talk about feelings since they were little girls. It takes great courage for many men to open themselves up to connect with their feelings and talk about them.
Another way in which our culture harms boys and men is by denying them opportunities for non-sexual affectionate touch. All humans need physical touch to be well. Touch deprivation has serious consequences for mental and physical health. Sadly, men do not experience the same freedom as women for non-sexual affectionate touch. For teen boys and men, sex may be the only way they feel like they can meet this fundamental human need.
American society trains men to NOT talk about emotions AND to find affectionate touch, and intimacy, primarily through sex. Therapists who are uncomfortable talking openly about sex are unable to serve the felt needs of many men. Is it any wonder that men are less willing to seek relationship help?
4) Without training in sex therapy those who counsel people in intimate relationships can accidentally cause harm. Training in sex therapy not only helps therapists and coaches become comfortable talking about sexuality, it also includes numerous class hours learning about the many, varied ways that humans express healthy sexuality. All of us are raised with messages about how relationships, sex, and gender expression are “supposed” to be—from family, religion, culture, friends, media, intimate partners, etc. Those who have not had their biases exposed and challenged are at greater risk of causing harm if they are working with clients whose sexual practices, gender expressions, or relationship configurations are unfamiliar to the clinician or coach. Clients are unlikely to open up about their sexual lives if their coach or counselor shows any signs of surprise, shock, anxiety, confusion, or disgust though their words, facial expressions, or body language. A clinician unable to differentiate between diverse healthy sexual practices and unhealthy sexual practices may inadvertently cause harm by pathologizing behaviors that are not problematic.
On the positive side:
Those trained in sex therapy can actually save your life! Training in sex therapy includes education about sexual health. A number of sexual difficulties can be caused by health factors which may, on the surface, seem unrelated to sexual or genital function. For example, erectile dysfunction is often the first sign of cardiovascular disease! Coaches and therapists who are not trained in sexual health may look for problems in the relationship or individual and miss signs that the client may actually need to see a doctor. Those trained in sex therapy are able to work with medical professionals to provide comprehensive care for their people.
Lastly, coaches trained in sex therapy are FUN! People who prize sexual wellness have a zest for all the joy that life has to offer! Improving sexual wellness requires becoming more connected to pleasure in other areas of life. Those who can easily talk about sex can help clients feel more at ease to talk about anything. Plus, some of the homework is actually quite fun!